In February, I had successfully made it through the holidays without drinking. I wasn’t making any, “I will never drink again!” proclamations but had found peace in my alcohol sabbatical. All of this came to a screeching halt when the reality of Covid-19 hit. I am not alone. All I see on Facebook now are memes about drinking to make the “New Normal” palatable. Virtual learning has become an excuse for happy hour all day. Can you imagine if your teenage children told you they were going to drink all day to get through virtual learning?
A little background, I have Mormon blood in me, though my mother left the church a decade before I was born. Doomsday prepping seems to be in my blood, a genetic memory of preparing for hard times. The fear of a zombie apocolypse sent my anxiety and prepping into high gear. I knew when school was “cancelled” for 2 weeks that this was going to change everything. I am a healthcare professional and our industry was shut down. When the world around you collapses and your feeble brain is trying to create order out of chaos, sonething has to give. In this case, it was my sobriety.
I was not getting plastered, I gave that up when I stopped drinking liquor several years back. I was numbing. Numbing the crazy voices in my head telling me things like, “you better go to all of the Dollar Generals and buy pounds of salt so you can cure the squirrel meat your family will need to live on once the supply chain collapses!” I also thought I would be able to barter with spices so I bought all of the cinnamon, garlic powder and pepper I could find. I saved every jar and bottle because they might not make anymore.
Seriously, I have pounds of salt and no remaining pantry space. Looking back, I can see my crazy brain was trying to create a logical path to survival. I probably have some sort of manic disorder and the coronavirus landscape pushed me over the edge. How did I quiet my brain? Drinking, of course!
Drinking daily quickly became my routine again. Drinking at home had always been my preference so the fact that bars were closed didn’t matter to me. We have a close knit family and spend most of our free time together but I am also an introvert and need my alone time. Alone time does not exist in the “New Normal.” Drinking became a way for me to carve out my “alone time” while being surrounded (smothered) by my loved ones. I tried to slow my roll by mixing with cider with seltzer to trick my brain into drinking less. I still managed drink more than I wanted to.
This is the key point. By some people’s standards, I wasn’t really drinking that much. I definitely used to drink more, though according to new research about cancer, it’s all too much. I was drinking more than I wanted to, more than I told myself I would and I kept making promises to myself that I couldn’t keep.
Alcohol is addictive, more to some people than others, there is strong science around a dopamine reward system gone awry that I won’t go into here. Anne Grace’s book, “This Naked Mind” goes in depth into the physiological and psychological nature of substance addiction.
All I knew was that I had happily gone for months without drinking and was back to unhappily drinking every day and I needed to change. This is where the practice makes perfect philosophy of quitting comes in. I had “quit” a few times before and knew what to expect.
The first 2-3 days of not drinking alcohol are the hardest by far. Whether this is due to a chemical or mental addiction, the craving are real, the sense of loss is huge and the emotions run high. Get through those first few days. You will be a moody asshole, you will be sad, just get throught them.
Making dinner was a huge trigger for me to drink. “I deserve this drink because I am a sophisticated woman cooking a healthy meal for my family.” Avoid this trigger during the first week. Order take out, make frozen pizzas (served with a salad, because you know, health.) Any trigger. If your trigger is watching TV, go camping. I usually run in the morning, if I switch this up and run in the evening my routine is disrupted and the cycle is interrupted.
The first week of not drinking alcohol is the hardest, the first 3 days are miserable. It gets better. Much better.
I have news for all of you, “New Normal” is now just called normal. Drinking won’t make it go away. Drinking will only make it harder for you to adapt and grow to meet the challenges of the “New Normal.” We only have this one life and I want to be present not pickled. Even if that means eating salt-cured squirrel.
