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Life After “Moderation”

Like may people, the idea of drinking in moderation sounds like a great goal. After we try it enough times, we realize that this is an illusion, not reality.

Sometimes we need to practice quitting. This is my 3rd or 4th time going 100 days without drinking, aside from pregnancies.

My advice if you “relapse”

  • Be nice to yourself, perfection is not the goal, a healthy, happy life is the goal.
  • Practice makes perfect! I found that I could recognize the “stages” of withdrawal and it helped to figure out the timeline.
  • Use an App, I am currently using “I am Sober”. I find that tracking the days, especially in the beginning provides motivation.
  • Don’t overdo the sugar. Treats are fine but we are trying to have fewer mood swings.
  • Get a lot of exercise, real exercise. Running is my lifeline.
  • Read a book, I really like Alcohol Explained by William Porter and Alcohol Lied to Me

If you consume an addictive substance, over time you will become addicted. That’s it. You aren’t weak, You are broken. You have fallen into a self-perpetuation trap. The only way out is to stop completely. You need to act as though you have an allergy to alcohol.

Today I am 107 Days Sober. Every day you don’t drink is a day your body and mind gets to heal.

80 Days without alcohol and a sober Thanksgiving

I am not going to lie, this Thanksgiving was tough. I had taken an “alcohol sabbatical” for several of the past few years, enjoying the benefits of better sleep and less anxiety. Going through the holidays without drinking isn’t new to me. I felt guilty for drinking through holidays rather than focusing on the people I was spending them with.

In a pandemic year, there are so many other things to cause stress that simply not drinking, isn’t enough to remove the anxiety surrounding the holidays. First there were the decision, so many decisions, decision fatigue.

We opted to travel by car, stay in our own place and eat (in the winter) outside. Amazingly, it all worked. But it wasn’t fun. The monkey part of by brain kept telling me it would be more fun if I was drinking. Sadly, I spent more time thinking about drinking than I had for months. I didn’t drink, but I resented being sober.

I am back home and catching up on sleep, though the looming Christmas holiday and the ongoing insanity that is my school district isn’t helping.

I didn’t drink, all I can do is focus on the positives.

50 Days Alcohol Free, halfway to 100

As impossible as it might have seemed, I have actually stopped counting the days. I went to my tracking ap and had to back fill in the past week.

I had sort of a meh week, I could have used a little more sunshine and fewer needy people. But, I didn’t drink. There were no hangovers. There was no guilt about broken promises to myself. I set a (mostly) good example to my children of how an adult deals with the ups and downs of life. I still have plenty of work to do on my own issues but at least I can focus on them long enough to own them.

40 Days Without Alcohol

According to my tracker, it has been 40 days since I last drank alcohol. It is amazing to think how impossible this would have seemed 2 months ago. I went from planning and thinking about what and when I was going to drink to not even thinking about it. Most of the time.

I am learning to recognize my triggers. I am learning to recognize the HALT (am I hungry, angry, lonely or tired.)

This “New Normal” has changed my workplace as a healthcare provider, possibly forever. There are new obstacles at work in addition to the ones I already faced. My kids are facing challenges with virtual learning that I can’t even begin to navigate. Drinking won’t change these things.

I came accross this blog post today. I felt understood. I hope this blog makes someone else feel understood.

40 days seems like a long time. 40 good mornings, 40 better nights of sleep. 40 full meals at dinner instead of drinking early and often.

Even a bad day is a better day without a hangover

Some days are just blah days. Instead of trying to jazz things up by drinking I am trying to come to peace with the feeling that I won’t always feel good. Some days you are just in a bad mood. Some days you feel like you can’t made any decisions let alone good decisions. The only decision that you shouldn’t make it to drink, that will not make anything better. Even a bad day is better without a hangover. A good day will definitely be better without a hangover.

Yes, your hangover is getting worse with age.

You probably started your day with a hangover and you didn’t even know it, but your body sure did.

Mornings are the worst. Or at least they used to feel that way. The brain fog, the dull headache, the vague nausea.

Mornings aren’t the problem, your one, two, three or four drinks last night are.

One of the things that is most vivid to me when I stop drinking (after the first few rage-filled days are over) is how awesome the mornings are. Yes, I said awesome. Even with kids whining and making my lunch and driving to work, it’s all so much more manageable.

I wasn’t having ragers or heading out to the club, I was simply drinking what was suppoed to be one glass of wine which turned into the bottle. Or the 7% ABV beer that turned into two.

Alcohol content aside, the empty sugar, the yeast and the sulfites alone are enough to make you feel gross. Alcohol is also a diuretic leading to dehydration which in turn, makes you feel crappier.

Here is a description of the metabolic process involved in a hangover:

“Over the course of a night of heavy drinking, your blood alcohol level continues to rise. Your body labors to break down the alcohol – consumed as ethanol in beer, wine or spirits – forming damaging oxygen free radicals and acetaldehyde, itself a harmful compound. The longer ethanol and acetaldehyde stick around, the more damage they can do to your cellular membranes, proteins and DNA, so your body’s enzymes work quickly to metabolize acetaldehyde to a less toxic compound, acetate.

Over time, your ethanol levels drop through this natural metabolic process. Depending on how much you consumed, you’re likely to experience a hangover as the level of ethanol in your blood slowly returns to zero. Your body is withdrawing from high levels of circulating alcohol, while at the same time trying to protect itself from the effects of alcohol.” https://theconversation.com/hangovers-happen-as-your-body-tries-to-protect-itself-from-alcohols-toxic-effects-124630

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a lot to put my body through every night and expect to wake up feeling chipper.

At night, I set my coffee pot for the next morning. I have splurged on some fancy roast coffee instead of the Kirkland 3 gallon drum I usually buy. I will tell you this, coffee has never tasted so good. I only drink one cup because I have found that I am sensitive to caffeine (and probably alcohol too but I can stop at one cup of joe). It smells good. It tastes good. I have room in my brain to appreciate all of it.

Mornings are a whole new experience. I feel good. Even when my day sucks, I realize how much more it would have sucked if I faced it with a mild (or not so mild) hangover.

Mornings are no longer a shameful reminder of my broken promises from the night before. I hold my head high in the morning and drink my fancy cup of coffee.

If you are drinking every night, even if it’s “just one,” give your body a break from the dehydration and the manic enzymatic breakdown of toxic compounds. I realize caffeine is also a diuretic but that is a bridge I will cross another time.

You probably started your day with a hangover and you didn’t even know it, you don’t have to. You wouldn’t tell your friend to wait for lung cancer to stop smoking, why wait to start feeling better?

After a month without alcohol, some good news

According to my tracker it has been 32 days since I stopped drinking. By my memory, no month has more than 31 days so I am over a month sober! Hooray!

What’s the big deal about being a month sober?

  1. Mornings are so much better. If you are a a daily drinker, you probably have a low-grade hangover every morning. Seriously, you have no idea what even one or two drinks is doing to your body until you give it up for a month.
  2. Sleep is better. I have never been a “good” sleeper, even as a child. I have come to peace with the fact that I will never be as sound of a sleeper as my significant other but alcohol wreaks havoc on my sleep. The misguided idea that you are making yourself “sleepy” by drinking before bed has been proven false. If you suffer from insomnia, do yourself a favor and stop drinking alcohol.
  3. My eyes look brighter. I am not sure if this is something subjective or objective but I feel less puffy and my sclera appear whiter.
  4. Energy is up, my runs have improved both in endurance and speed. I no longer “fall asleep” on the couch at night.
  5. I remember what I read and watch, I don’t need to elaborate on this one, you know who you are.
  6. I have fewer repetitive thoughts and my anxiety has decreased. Like insomnia, many people think they are relieving their anxiety by drinking, The reality is you are making it much worse. Your brain can’t do it’s job if you keep pickling it with ethanol. Go a month without drinking and see how you feel. Jean from Unpickled unpacks anxiety and body repetitive disorders here.

Is the universe sending you signs to stop drinking?

Do you ever feel like you are are the set of the Truman Show? When I was a kid, before the movie even came out, I felt like I was on a show of my life. I am sure this a psychological milestone that all kids reach and that I was not unique, bu it certainly wasn’t something I ever told other people. I wonder if my anxiety was a cause or an effect of this feeling of being watched/judged.

Between work, virtual school, cooking and cleaning and general living, I don’t watch much television. I am a child of the 80’s and I love me some trashy television, but during the week we don’t watch tv.

Yesterday was a rainy Saturday and we were lounging around, watching tv. Hotel Impossible is a family favorite, I like rooting for the underdog. It’s like watching Kitchen Nightmares without the constant bleeping of F-bombs.

The particular episode we watched on this lazy, rainy Saturday was about a hotel in Hershey, PA where the manager was an alcoholic. He had been through treatment and had decided that he was no longer a problem drinker. Obviously, this was not the case. It was sad to see the level of denial people who continue to drink live in. I remember justifying my drinking many times by saying “it’s not hurting anyone.”

I recognize that even with those around me being unaware of my drinking problem, it was hurting everyone around me. From erratic moods and unrealistic expectations to a lack of truly being present, my drinking seeped into all aspects of my life.

Later in the day, we watched an episode of Seinfeld, in which James Spader is an alcoholic in recovery making amends to everyone but George Costanza. I have watched all of the episodes of Seinfeld several times over and I don’t remember watching this episode before.

Later (this is a rainy Saturday lazy day- don’t judge me) we watched a 30 Rock Episode in which Liz follows a guy she is interested in during his lunch hour. He is going to an AA meeting and Liz pretends to be in AA in order to get to know him.

It was an eerie feeling to watch 3 shows out of 6 dealing with alcohol abuse. Perhaps the universe is trying to tell me something.

It’s been 31 days since I last numbed ny feelings with alcohol. In this time I have not had any life altering experiences. What I have experienced is awareness. Maybe we aren’t always ready to deal with awareness, the 60 year old man on Hotel Impossible was not.

There are many things I did in my 20’s that I no longer do in my 40’s. Eating at Buffalo Wild Wings, watching Survivor and going to “Ladies Night” at the club are just a few. Drinking alcohol falls into this category for me now, it is one of those things that I no longer do, it’s just not part of my day. Instead of feeling guilty about the past, I am focusing in the positive steps I am taking for a better today.

If you seem to focus on the drinking behavior people in movies and tv shows, maybe the universe is telling you it’s time to find a new hobby. Give in to reverse peer-pressure, you don’t have to drink!

Drinking and Trick or Treating is a terrible idea

Admit it, you walk around with your adult sippy cup full of some sort of booze while you take your kids trick or treating.

Maybe you are uncomfortable around your neighbors, all of whom appear to be having a better time than your are.

Maybe you resent trudging around after a long day of work, dressed like a witch or a wizard, going door to door when you would rather be at home drinking.

Well then, just combine the two activities! Drink and Treat!

I have experimented with sobriety before and have been abstaining for 2 of the past 4 years during Halloween. Last year, I hadn’t had anything to drink for a few months and one of our neighbors had a margarita table set up next to the bowl of Halloween candy. My daughter and her friend took the candy. I took a margarita.

Like the candy, the margarita was too sweet. Like the candy I would later eat, I regretted drinking the margarita. Drinking for me is a means of escape. I only have a year or two left of the trick or treating years, why am I trying to wish it away?

The passing of time has always consumed my thoughts. In my own way, I am trying to block out thinking about the future but in reality, I am blocking the present.

My kids have a great time without the use of alcohol. Set a good example for your kids, they are setting one for you!

If you want to feel more alive, go 30 days without drinking alcohol.

30 days isn’t much in the grand scheme of the universe. For someone who is drinking daily, 30 days feels like a lifetime.

I was not a teenage drinker. I didn’t even drink much in college. I had a lot of fun in college and in high school and did not need to drink. I used to laugh a lot. In fact, I was a model student in every other way, but I would get in trouble for laughing.

There were some good times when I drank as well. When I was in high school, I prided myself on my ability to enjoy myself and have fun without alcohol. The change in my attitude towards alcohol started in professional school. It was a high stress environment with little time for anything but work. When you had down time, you drank. I imagine that this is a similar experience for many graduate level programs, you drink to get drunk.

This is where my Pavlovian cycle of stress/discomfort/alcohol/relaxation began. I wasn’t drinking for fun, I was drinking to forget. Drinking to stop feeling the fear and the negative emotions. Drinking to take the edge off. Drinking to numb my brain and feelings.

For a while this in an effective way to relieve stress. Alcohol is addictive and for many people, the dopamine fix leads to a cycle of adapting to higher amounts of alcohol for a diminishing level of “relaxation.”

Numbing your feelings can seem like a good idea, especially when your feelings are negative. Alcohol numbs your good feelings too. It flattens you out until you feel like you are in Groundhog Day. I did not want a joy-less, flat life.

25 Days into not drinking and I feel more alive. I laugh more, I get mad more but I feel alive. I think everyone, even those who don’t feel like they have a problem with alcohol, should go 30 days without drinking. 30 days without drinking to remember a time when you had to deal with your emotions, life, hopes and dreams without numbing your brain. You may find there is no difference. You may find that you are stronger, smarter, happier and more alive than you thought.

The first few days are the hardest, the chemical and physical dependency is real, stick with it for 30 days and decide for yourself!

There are many groups dedicated to a 30 day trial of an alcohol-free lifestyle. I did not partake in a formal group, I just used a habit tracker ap and listened to podcasts. Check out Belle’s group on “Tired of thinking about drinking” and the “This Naked Mind” Community.